We are not Hearbroken. We are Heartfilled.

I have come to far to give up now. Thoughts rule this world. Control your thoughts, control your world. I am only heartbroken if I say I am. I am only ugly if I choose to be. You are beautiful, you are wonderful, you are godly.

~From silky water, a goddess adorned in silver extended her arm with stars in her eyes. Her hand unfolded like a blossoming rose and in it she held my heart of gold. “No matter how hard the flesh may grow give not your heart to wanted eyes. As the gold shimmered in vibrations congruent with my breathing the waters in which we stood trembled. Oaks as tall as mountains shielded their eyes and rocks turned to dust. “Love is the strongest magic we have in this world. Use it wisely or be destroyed by its allure.” ~

I fell down the stairs: I’m just Tired

Normal people just say “I’m Tired,” but for a writer it is never that simple. Those words would never describe inside. A mind filled with commas, spaces, poetic pauses, and multiple literally elements is far too convoluted and filled to use common words.

This is me saying I’m tired. This is me saying I want to take a nap. Talk about dramatic!

~I took a step and thought it was firm. The bottom of the staircase bruised and beaten I look up for help. Raise my hands, grab the edge, and yell.

Today is still a good day, I remind myself. Just a little blood, a twisted ankle, and wrangled back – my watch still works. It’s 5:00 o’clock, the entire night is ahead. I have people to call, words to look up, day dreams to scribble down, I got to get up. But it feels good to lay down for once. The blood is warm. My foot looks like a puppet’s, without its master. ~

To Cry In Silence

A swelling of tears tsunami’s his bowels. A bouquet of smiles for onlookers.

Eyes, a humanistic dam grappling pain. Sweetest gestures of joviality to passersby’s.

Tears dropping, mouth wide open, clutching a towel against his face – no sound.

He washes his face, dries his hands, brushes the beard, and primps his shirt, a meeting in 10.

Expect laughter, wait for the punch line, be inspired by his presence, adore his perfectionism.

But miss his humanity. Mistake his red eyes as hardworking. Assume his tardiness as busy, make light of his bruises as battles won, and lastly jest of his silver… platter… life.

An Incantation for Ancestral Power

If I ever find myself weak, weak in thought and weak in spirit, may I be reminded of the infinite power of my ancestors. May I dip myself in their prayers and hymnal voices. Drought, death, and dread could not spear their souls. Why shall I encourage power less than mine to overcome.

The dead walk beside me, they course through me. I am because they were. “I come as one, but stand as 10,000.”

From a Tree to Me

How deep your roots. How pleasant your fruit. Tell me your secrets. What is god like? Does he smile, does she dance? Is it fair? Tell me how the beginning was nothing more than the end. How beautiful was the first step of man? The first birth of women. How she elegantly combed her hair. How deep does the soul really go? I wonder if the pain of love is truly etched on our hearts. Can you draw a dream from the scars? I imagine heaven is like soup, tomato soup. Warm, dedicated, and made with love.

Do You Want to Talk About It?

Do you want to talk about it?

Do you want to talk about it?

Yes!

Let’s talk about how much it hurts. Let’s talk about how I am still feeling it. Let’s talk about how I am addicted to the pain. Let’s talk about how something so lovely could feel so horrific. Let’s talk about how something warm and round turned into shards of glass slipping down my throat. Let’s talk about heartache. Let’s talk about betrayal. Let’s talk about friendship. Let’s talk about sleepless nights. Let’s talk about you. Let’s talk about me. Let’s talk about sacrifice. God, the Universe, the Law of Attraction. Let’s talk about science. Let’s talk about new world orders. Sub atomic particles, Quantum Physics, emotional stability. Mental analysis. Twin flames-soul mates. Segregation, discrimination, memories that won’t leave. Memories that won’t come. Dreams that are in the past. Future events never to come. I am talking pure religion, physical attraction, romantic explosion, lost wisdom. I’m gonna cover sex and blisters, and long nights with whispers. Caress my body and cuddle my mishaps. We gonna walk down the streets with death on our hips; pestilence on the left and mortification on the right while looking hope and creativity straight forward. I’m talking about love – you know what I mean?

…

So, do you still wanna talk???

My Love is Too Wild to Be Caged

This is the second poem I wrote after watching Tyler Perry’s “For Colored Girls.”  My hand rushed against the paper to bring a message of internal surge. As I read it now I feel power, pain, courage, fear, and love. This poem is a mesh of all my experiences – triumphants and failures. I did not like the poem at first, but after watching my friend’s expression after she read it I became intrigued. Between you and I…I think the poem is so personal that I am afraid to share it.

 

~My Love is Too Wild to Be Caged~

 

My love is too wild to be caged

Too pure to be thrown in my face

My love is too raw to be cooked, boiled, and seasoned

My love is too Godly to be served, to be written, and spoken.

 

For a gay boy my love is just as real

I am unashamed of my body and its wants

For a gay boy my love is too real to be sexualized

For a gay boy my body is too manly to be demeaned

My heart is too red to be diluted, too fierce to be tamed.

 

As a man my heart is too real

As a man my heart is here, hard, and soft

Melting and stone. Hard. Soft. Crazy. Painful and full.

 

As a man my heart is me

As a gay boy my heart is me

As a child my heart is me

As me my heart is here.

My Pain is Many

I watched Tyler Perry’s For Colored Girls this weekend and it put me in a whirlwind of emotions. The first time I watched this movie was during a period of my life when I was experiencing extreme anxiety – I went insane! Now, if you have not seen this movie you are definitely missing out.  Here is one of four poems I wrote as the tide of emotions erupted.

~My Pain is Many~

My pain is lonely

My pain is horny

My pain is crazy

Yet, it invokes my creativity

But, it drives my sanity

 

My pain is single

My pain is sexual

My pain is infidelity

Yet, it invokes my celibacy

But, it drives my chastity

 

My pain is complex

My pain is medicated

My pain is judgmental

Yet, it invokes my kingship

But, it prevents my downfall

 

My pain is beauty

My pain is lovely

My pain is contagious

Yet, it invokes my sadness

But, it drives my passion

 

My pain is simple

MY pain is soothing

My pain is Godly

A Smile Reached My Bedside

I live for the thrill. I live for the times I cannot believe what I have done. I am 24 and raging. I am 24 and evolving. I am 24 and changing. Time moves so slowly while life moves so fast. One minute I am here and the next I am worlds away. A new adventure every minute. A new heart every second. Sometimes I wonder if I will be alive in the morning, sometimes I wish I would be dead in the morning. I cannot endure a pain greater than the one today, but I know I can experience greater joy than I did two days ago. I guess that is what keeps me going. The potential for happiness, the hope of faith. The look of better more fulfilling days.

 A smile reached my bedside today, from who I do not know but it warmed my toes and wiggled in my stomach.  I awoke with a rush and sent a smile and a hug to a bedside in a far off land. 

Through Tears, Snot, and love: A Letter to My Father

I sat crossed legged on my bed one night and wrote this through tears and anguish. I had one of the largest scares of my entire life. I was not sure how long I had left on this planet because of a foolish impulsive act.  I took my body for granted; I told myself I was invincible.  I stole my innocence away because I was sick of being patient.  Instead of turning to my family for support, I turned to my impoverished emotions. 

**This is my first time reading it since it was written. I like it just the way it is.**

 

Through Tears, Snot, and love: A Letter to My Father

~Will you love me forever knowing that I sinned? Will you love me knowing that your boy is not a boy? Will you love me tomorrow knowing that I am sick? Will you love me when they pull out the coffin? Can you love me when I choose the colors? Can you look at me with my sores? Can you cry with me or for me when I can no longer?  Will you love me father when I pass? Will you bury me? Can you look at me eyes full of tears and tell me you are proud? Tell me you love me and hate and shame do not run through you.

Father, I love you and I have sinned but I am human and I am a sinner. Will you love me forever and can you bury me next to you? Can you hold me as I slip? When it gets dark remember my smile. Let it brighten your day. Look towards the sun and see me. I will always be with you. I will never leave your side. Guide my little brother so he can be a man. Tell him I let him down. Tell him that love will guide him right. Hug my older brother and never let go. The days you didn’t say I love you will never occur again. Whisper it in the wind and pass it on the ripples of the sea. I am your baby boy and I am sorry. ~

 

This excerpt/poem is extremely emotional for me. I am tearing as I write this.  My father is the greatest; I simply want him to be proud of me. He is. We spend our entire lives trying to please our parents even after they pass. At one point I told myself if my parents do not agree with my decision as a man to love other men that is on them, but truthfully I want their approval. I want their blessing. I want them at the wedding.  I want them to hand me over to the love of my life. I want to peer over while at the altar and see my father crying. He will declare that he is proud and could ask me to be no different than I am.  

 

I do not know about you but I want my parents to be a part of my life, my new standard family; a non-traditional non-hetero style of living. I’m in love with my second chance.