To Sleep In Peace

Tonight I want to sleep alone, no hand wrapped around my waist pretending to be someone, no pillow on my chest acting as a man’s head.

I want to lay in my spirit, cocooned by my angels and lulled by Jesus himself.

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From a Tree to Me

How deep your roots. How pleasant your fruit. Tell me your secrets. What is god like? Does he smile, does she dance? Is it fair? Tell me how the beginning was nothing more than the end. How beautiful was the first step of man? The first birth of women. How she elegantly combed her hair. How deep does the soul really go? I wonder if the pain of love is truly etched on our hearts. Can you draw a dream from the scars? I imagine heaven is like soup, tomato soup. Warm, dedicated, and made with love.

As I Grow Old

To feel imperfection is to be alive. I am faulted. Each day I see a new wrinkle. I trace the receding nature of my hair. I experience the click clack of my knees. I am no longer a child. I see the elderly and do not laugh, I wonder…Who were they then? At what age did sickness and health meet?

I watched (which felt like forever) an elderly man and woman walk
hand-in-hand down the sidewalk. Their pace was painstakingly slow yet unbearable beautiful. Imagine just imagine, once upon a time they ran, ran down sidewalks and skipped across streets – a speed as a child I envied to reach. Long legs. Reassured direction. Knowledge of symbols on poles. No parents.

I envied the older. Now I envy the old. Every tinge I feel, I think to myself this is it. Every night from work before I place my head, I stretch my back. The labor of the day has stiffened its length. In between shifts I stop at the mirror and stare, one day it will not be toothpaste but Poligrip.

This may sound like Hell. I call it beautiful madness. Some wish for cars and mansions, I yearn to grow old. I hope to wake and sit at the edge of the bed to catch my breath. I got up too fast. My heart is racing. I’m sweating like hell! I wish to walk up flights of stairs and stop on the third step as I hold up the line. I’ll smirk at their impatience. I wish to sit in parks all day, barely moving, as the kids ask if I’m alive. I am, just admiring the landscape. I want to go to Church with sunglasses as I nod in and out of sleep – an hour is just too damn long!

I wish for life in my staggered breath. I wish for patience in my “hard a hearing” ears. I wish for wisdom in my speech. I wish for grandchildren that take delight in me telling the same story over and over.

I think today I’ll walk a little slower. Maybe I’ll name my wrinkles. And instead of calling myself faulted and aged, I’ll say congratulations you made it another day.

How Do I Stop This Tape??

I tire of the repeated stories in my head. I grow bored of the constant replay and edits. Is their no sanity in this mind? I am not my past. I am the present. These words ring wonders but the practicing of it, not so much. Why is it so easy to replay pain but hard to imagine glory? My day is filled with fighting my mind from wandering into the pits. Why are we all so plagued with the belief that we must suffer? We are obsessed with the idea of struggle. Man vs Man. Man vs Nature. Man vs Himself. Elementary, my dear Watson. It makes a good story. Cinema. Lights, Camera, Action!

I want to see without thinking for once. I want to feel without feeling. I want to exist without the rotating, “Why Do I Exist?” Can I sip tea and be merry in the motion of sipping?

My Gays Put Your Clothes On

Found this piece in my archive. I must have seen something on Instagram or Facebook that upset me…

 

My Gays put your clothes on

Your body is your temple, a gift from above. You do not need to expose it to show it exists.  Your body is for your bedroom not social media.  It is becomes unduly disappointing to see so many fight, argue, and lose their lives to ensure our equality and watch it be squandered in half-naked pictures. Your pictures do not exude sexiness – it presents insecurity.

 

My Gays put your clothes on

Instead of uncovering your body let’s try unraveling your minds; peel off the shirt of superficiality, drag down the pants of starched sexualities, and kick off your boots. You are here and no one is going to take you away. The fierceness you try to portray in pictures, can you use it in a sentence?? Can you hold a conversation and convince the world why you should have rights? Can you stand tall and say I do!?

 

My Gays put your clothes on

We no longer have to settle for the gay next door. There are gays around the world. Gays go to school, Gays run companies, Gays write books, Gays teach classes, and yes Gays are even priests. You can close a 250 million dollar deal and still be fabulous. No one is telling you to put down the bowties or destroy your Cher records.

My Gays put your clothes on

I Want to Unclothe You

Once again there is something moving me.

I want to spoil you. I want to cook for you and rub your back. As you walk in I would unclothe you while whispering, “you are home. You are safe here. In our domain your defenses can be lowered. The world cannot find us, sight cannot enter our world of worlds. We are spirits sent on a journey to renew the world of love. But even spirits must rest. Even spirits are tempted by evil. Charged with a task unlike any other we must continue to move, to inspire, to uplift, to enlighten. Our shine is bright. Our diamonds do not sparkle. I am alone. I am alone. I am here. I was here. I will always be here…somehow. Someway.

What is this feeling, I want I want I want you. But you are no where to be found. Why must you taunt me with your love? Why is it that you can tease me with your absence? Does that even make sense? I have never met you but I feel like I have always known you, yet somedays you feel nonexistent. I do not know what this is. You are half of me, a piece of me, maybe you are me. Sometimes I sit there and feel your warmth, sometimes I sit there and pretend you are here. But you are never here, you have never been here, maybe you never will.

What do we love to do? Do we dance shamelessly all over the house? Are we fully clothed, partially, or maybe not at all? Am I cooking and you slyly walk behind warmingly wrapping your hands around my waist, passionately kissing my neck, then resting your head and watching me cook? Are you in your boxers? What am I cooking? We eat at the table right? We lay out a beautiful menagerie of silverware and dishes. You ask me about my day and I begin to tell you. You cut me off and give me that look – you know better than that. You let me know my rights and wrongs. You inform me of my flaws. You are unafraid of giving it to me raw. Now you speak. I call you a fool. We laugh, spit up our food. We eat, you wash. I take a shower.

Through Tears, Snot, and love: A Letter to My Father

I sat crossed legged on my bed one night and wrote this through tears and anguish. I had one of the largest scares of my entire life. I was not sure how long I had left on this planet because of a foolish impulsive act.  I took my body for granted; I told myself I was invincible.  I stole my innocence away because I was sick of being patient.  Instead of turning to my family for support, I turned to my impoverished emotions. 

**This is my first time reading it since it was written. I like it just the way it is.**

 

Through Tears, Snot, and love: A Letter to My Father

~Will you love me forever knowing that I sinned? Will you love me knowing that your boy is not a boy? Will you love me tomorrow knowing that I am sick? Will you love me when they pull out the coffin? Can you love me when I choose the colors? Can you look at me with my sores? Can you cry with me or for me when I can no longer?  Will you love me father when I pass? Will you bury me? Can you look at me eyes full of tears and tell me you are proud? Tell me you love me and hate and shame do not run through you.

Father, I love you and I have sinned but I am human and I am a sinner. Will you love me forever and can you bury me next to you? Can you hold me as I slip? When it gets dark remember my smile. Let it brighten your day. Look towards the sun and see me. I will always be with you. I will never leave your side. Guide my little brother so he can be a man. Tell him I let him down. Tell him that love will guide him right. Hug my older brother and never let go. The days you didn’t say I love you will never occur again. Whisper it in the wind and pass it on the ripples of the sea. I am your baby boy and I am sorry. ~

 

This excerpt/poem is extremely emotional for me. I am tearing as I write this.  My father is the greatest; I simply want him to be proud of me. He is. We spend our entire lives trying to please our parents even after they pass. At one point I told myself if my parents do not agree with my decision as a man to love other men that is on them, but truthfully I want their approval. I want their blessing. I want them at the wedding.  I want them to hand me over to the love of my life. I want to peer over while at the altar and see my father crying. He will declare that he is proud and could ask me to be no different than I am.  

 

I do not know about you but I want my parents to be a part of my life, my new standard family; a non-traditional non-hetero style of living. I’m in love with my second chance.

The Oracle Has Spoken

I sat one day in front of the computer uncomfortable as ever. I was upset, disturbed, and irritated. The worst part about this experience was I did not know why. All I knew was I wanted to scream. My spirit was in turmoil and from past events I have learned you Never ignore an unsettled spirit. So as writers do, I opened a word document. With no effort at all my fingers preordained for this moment typed as my eyes and mind watched in wonderment. I felt like a modern day oracle of Delphi. This is what I prophesied…

– It was the dawn of time when you said you loved me. But as the fish walked the first walk of life you fled. You grabbed the four-legged creature and left me gasping for air. I was the mer-creature left in a swamp of murk. That night the sea grew cold, deep, and unknown. My scales lost its luster and my gills filled with hate. Eyes peering just over the water-esk horizon I saw you leap into the air on its back. Bound not by green but held by blue.

Every crevice became my shelter, eyes no longer needed, sun unseen. Colder and colder I retreated, deeper and deeper I wandered. The sea was my jar of tears. I could not understand why I could not fly, where was my four-legged creature? I could not understand. I swam faster than any sea horse. I could dodge a shiver of megalodons. The pearls I harbored in my pouch caused volcanoes to heel. I am a masterpiece. The children we would rear would bear the name Triton. A dynasty of esteem. –

I am not sure when the rest of the prophesy will come. I know there is more because I can feel it. But I’ll let you know this – as soon as my spirit starts to roll I shall swiftly start to write. But who knows, the spirit does as it pleases. I’ll probably end up with an entirely new and unrelated foretelling.

Clothes Are For Closets Not Love

I read these stories of other blogger’s past relationships – pain runs deep. My kindness and love was taken advantage of. My sincerity and concern was seen as mistrust. My honesty and integrity was taken as deception. I was duplicity and he was my heart – or forming vestigial. I was told I could not be trusted because of my major; I was receiving my masters in communication. Yes! My ex was a secret multimillionaire bloodline of Alexander the Great who found the burial spot of Jimmy Hoffa. You could imagine that as an aspiring TV personality I could not wait to get the story out.

 How could I expect him to be honest with me when he was not honest with himself? His words of honesty had nothing to do with me but were spew. Words vomited out so his dying heart could grab hold of supposed truths. My fingers shake as I write this post, my anger rises, and my heart goes out to trapped souls who rather kill themselves than be who they are.

Love should not be closeted. Love should not exist between four walls or distant glances in a room full of family. Love should be shared.

We must learn to leave when love no longer sits at the table. Some will never understand how much you do and sacrifice for them. This is when it is time to leave. We must understand our worth. We must understand the value that we possess and can bestow upon others.

If you are in relationship were your love cannot exist, Run! Actually – Walk! And as you walk take heed as to how you came to be. Read the notes you left yourself. Remember the taste of each breadcrumb that lead you to this house.

I Use to Pick Up the Pieces. Now I Lay Them Down

I am known to play on all edges of life except the one of love. I have always been so careful in this matter. For I guess I knew my love was stubborn, that I do not forget easily. That within an instant passion could rise and remind me of what was or what could have been. I use to pick up the pieces. Now I lay them down. I spread them on construction paper and piece together a story for onlookers. Read and learn. Taste and feel. This is my story, this is your story, this is our story.

 I hang yarn with shards of glass to dangle from the ceiling

I give freedom to mice to roam drawers of darkness

The keyhole is jammed with blistered candy

The TV is a loop of memories to come

Barbwire is the bed frame that foundations a sea of hot blankets

As the door closes it opens, hinges do not live here

Ghosts do not dwell

Pain cries to his mother, Love

Love cries to her father, Time

Time cries to his God, Time

There are no numbers, there are no hands

There is only

Within the skeleton hangs closets; pretty and colorful but made of material less than human.

Affection Affection Affection

—————–

There is immense symbolism in this video and her words are powerful and true. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the pursuit of loving another when we should be finding ourselves and them – mutually and lovingly.

Wrecking Ball
We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you’re not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we’re ashes on the ground

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should’ve let you win

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me