To Sleep In Peace

Tonight I want to sleep alone, no hand wrapped around my waist pretending to be someone, no pillow on my chest acting as a man’s head.

I want to lay in my spirit, cocooned by my angels and lulled by Jesus himself.

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I Use to Pick Up the Pieces. Now I Lay Them Down

I am known to play on all edges of life except the one of love. I have always been so careful in this matter. For I guess I knew my love was stubborn, that I do not forget easily. That within an instant passion could rise and remind me of what was or what could have been. I use to pick up the pieces. Now I lay them down. I spread them on construction paper and piece together a story for onlookers. Read and learn. Taste and feel. This is my story, this is your story, this is our story.

 I hang yarn with shards of glass to dangle from the ceiling

I give freedom to mice to roam drawers of darkness

The keyhole is jammed with blistered candy

The TV is a loop of memories to come

Barbwire is the bed frame that foundations a sea of hot blankets

As the door closes it opens, hinges do not live here

Ghosts do not dwell

Pain cries to his mother, Love

Love cries to her father, Time

Time cries to his God, Time

There are no numbers, there are no hands

There is only

Within the skeleton hangs closets; pretty and colorful but made of material less than human.

Affection Affection Affection

—————–

There is immense symbolism in this video and her words are powerful and true. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the pursuit of loving another when we should be finding ourselves and them – mutually and lovingly.

Wrecking Ball
We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you’re not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we’re ashes on the ground

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should’ve let you win

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me

Two Beasts, One Tool: My Barber

 

I was enraged earlier and I do not become enraged easily or often. I found myself thrashing around the house and cursing the skies. I had to help a friend in a time of need. Now this is not the problem, I love to help – it is one of my greatest callings. The problem arose when they asked me to assist them in a situation that would both: one, push me back several steps in my goals and two, my assistance would do nothing but prolong the same issue from occurring again. They are a certain type of irresponsible and lack proper communication skills in this area. I have tried to assist them with steps and proper measures to prevent this from happening again, but my efforts are useless when fear and complacency have taken a seat at their table. It is all too familiar to them even if it is destructive and harms not only themselves but many others.  My life has always been a conundrum of “How much is too much,” when helping others. When is enough enough, when do you just let go and leave people to their own devices?

I was falling, slipping from being centered. I knew that I could not remain this angry. I went outside to feel the warming wind press against my body and listen to the busy birds and bees. My angry was subsiding but still remained a stiff lump of fury in my stomach. I even tried reading, it was not working. I went to get a haircut. I truly did not want conversation but he began to speak. And when he did, it brought me out of my head and into the present.  My barber, a man who did not speak much (at least nothing of importance) began to remind me of assisting others in need. He stated that more people should work on uplifting each other through education and motivation. And as he cut the unruly hair on my head I became more beautiful, externally and more importantly internally. The anger fell to the floor with every snip and buzz of his tools.  The barber chipped away my forming exterior of materiality and selfishness. I told him nothing of my situation; I showed no anger or disturbance. He felt it. Something in him knew I needed words of wisdom.  I could not believe it, as we conversed on uplifting the community and letting go of material objects my anger started to disappear.  His words told me and reminded me of my own mantra – “This Too Shall Pass & “Everything Happens for a Reason.”

With every decision there is an outcome. We must be responsible for our decisions. Although I was not too happy assisting this person, I knew it was the right thing to do even though my body felt otherwise. This has knocked me back a couple of steps, but it was a lesson I needed to be reminded of.  

The Love of Letting Go

I am not sure where my life is headed. I have so many passions and would love to fulfill them all at once.  I want to do so much! This world is full of amazing “things.” I want to act, I want to dance, I want to sing, I want to write, I want to speak – I love to entertain.  I enjoy these things because when I am in front of people something inside me changes, I become another person. And at those moments, it is no longer about me but about my audience. I love to see the expressions on their faces change; the transformation and build up of emotions. I can feel them wanting more. I want to give them more.  My body surges with excitement as we, audience and I, create magic. We bond. A communication between us begins to form. Ohh and when I dance! There is no greater remedy I know.  The body moves to a beat, a rhythm— a ballad between body and sound.  I cannot control myself. With each move there is a release of energy.  People flock to me when my hips begin to sway and my head begins to bob. They dance with me; enter my world as I enter theirs. 

One of my favoritest dancing experiences are when individuals who do not like to dance, “cannot dance”, or are embarrassed find themselves dancing with me.  They let go of their fears. Who cares what people think.  Who are they to say you cannot dance? Your dance moves are of your own, it is your story.  Release, breath, let go, and move! The pleasure that comes across their faces, the love of letting go – one of the greatest things I know.

Let Your Spirit Dance

Ever meet someone where you immediately feel connected to them? There is something that just speaks to your soul. You are drawn to them in a way that you cannot put into words and when you do, it does not capture the true essence. When you see them your eyes sparkle and ughgh because everyone can see the fireworks spurting from your irises? You cannot hide such raw emotion. You body does not listen to the mind at this point because the spirit is pure universal energy.  I have met this person and known him for some time now. When I see him my spirit soars. It truly does, I am not lying. My stomach starts to spin and believe me it is not butterflies because butterflies do not radiate throughout your entire body. The diameter of the veins is way too small!

When we speak it is not us but our spirits. They flirt. They dance whimsically above us to a tune my consciousness has no comprehension of. His look goes past my eyes and into a space that I myself have not fully explored. What is this madness I ask myself, I cannot deal. His presence is so alluring – it’s an addiction!

We as living organisms are so complex and can spend an entire lifetime analyzing our mind and body. What about our spirits? We know it is there, we can feel it, but do you listen – more importantly do you allow it to dance? Pure universal energy. The spirit is connected to everything that surrounds us. It can speak (which it is not speech at all but more) to the trees and other organisms. Some may laugh at this concept, but explain that deep feeling you get when you see someone after a long time or arrive home and embrace your pet? This is more than emotion. It is energy looming within a temporary cavity. Do not take this feeling for granted – shut it out not! Allow it to fill your body, explore this “emotion.” Begin to describe it. Take note of when, what, or who makes your spirit loom. As for my friend and I, I seek to find out if our spirits met during a time where my body did not exist or thrilled to know an exciting friend.

 

Image

Thank you annawrites.com for the picture.

No Thoughts, No words, Just Wonderment.

 

There is something about sitting down and opening your eyes. Not just any ole type of open, but allowing the world to seep in. No thoughts, No words, Just wonderment.  How…HOW do I pass all this magic every day?

I have an immediate need for gratification, what can I say I’m a New Yorker! I want everything now and I want it fast!  I have a need to control time for I was led to believe it is against me.  I am 23 years old and I am not the President of the world or acquired my first platinum album – I am behind, I’m going to die any day now for age has caught me by the neck! I should be a millionaire by now, I should be coupled up and making moves towards a house and marriage. The thoughts were driving me insane. And then to top it off everyone was telling me that I should be a lawyer, a doctor, a politician, a professor, a this, a that. After a while it takes a toll on you. Am I wasting my intelligence? Am I choosing the right career? Should I have a significant other by now?  No wonder I have an immediate gratification “complex.” How the heck do you expect me to decide where I want to live, who I want to be, how much money I want to make, where I want to get married and how I want to impact the world at 17 years old?! I did not even know who I was!! And now I’m 23 and I still do not know who I am.

AND that is ok— the first step.

It is ok if I do not know what I want to be. It is ok if I do not have a significant other. It is ok if I do not know where I want to live or exactly how I want to impact the world. Did you know at 23? All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want to laugh, eat, and dance! Oh boy do I love to dance. I want to sing with my brothers, dance with my mother, and lie next to my father and dream!

 I have taken a vow to slow down – the second step.

The days pass us by so fast because we walk inside our heads.  I dare you to walk across the parking lot open your eyes and look at the trees; listen to nature’s instruments. Make a cup of coffee and just take in the scent and look at the swirling colors in the mug – let life fill you with its joy – the third step. When I do this my heart rate de-accelerates, my paining thoughts are diminished (almost non-existent), my body becomes calm, and my spirit swirls. Suddenly and miraculously I realize I have all the time in the world, that where I am now is where I am meant to be. Time is an ally. The man/woman that cut me off is not important. Life is beautiful.