My Conversation With God

If we can love then surely it be in us to un-love. If we so accurately choose pain then we surely have the power to choose fortune. We become our thoughts, the pain attaches to our spirits and soon after our auras are dimmed and tarnished.

 

I Decide. I decide to think of the apple delicious, it is thus delicious – and to him or her not so much. Equally I shall decide pain of the past to be triumphant. I am no longer there, it is not my present, but indeed was it a gift.

 

~Dear Sir, why do you hurt?

I hurt because the heart wants what it wants.

Dear Sir, do you think you are worthless?

No.

Dear Sir, then I ask you why do you hurt?

I hurt because I want to be loved.

Dear Sir, is there no one that loves you at all?

Yes there is, but I want to be loved by a lover.

Dear Sir, your lover already loves you as you love them.

OK, but where are they?

Dear Sir, they are searching for you as you seek them. But do not seek them in Brothels and with Thieves. Wait for them where they patiently await you – your heart.~

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Two Strikes, is there a third?

I have two strikes against me in this world!

I am black and gay…wait Hispanic and bisexual. Stop, I am a black Hispanic and pansexual. What is pansexual?

Do my strikes negate my Bachelors in Biology or my Masters in Communication at 23 years of age? Does my complexion and sex of choice compromise my intellectual capacity? Personally, I don’t know anymore… [Pause] no it does not, right?

Frank Ocean, Wanda Sykes, ummm Nicki Minaj (maybe not)… still thinking, still thinking… Don Lemon, Kelvin Atkinson, and that’s all I got for

Ok, so back to the whole compromising intelligence thing. That can’t be a serious thought of mine. I was the President of the Student Body in college, the official spokesperson for over 3000 students. Twenty one years old with a budget of over $380,000. I received an award for most excelled in leadership over my entire class, sat with the platform party facing my classmates, and gave a speech during graduation. Then, while obtaining my masters I became Vice-president for my program. Something does not add up? Surely those reading this can see there is an issue. The issue is not everyone else, it’s me! Clearly, it is I who thinks my color and sexual orientation negates my capabilities. Why?

 

I like men, in fact I love men; their arms, their swag, their lips, their abs. I get excited when I meet a guy that

I live in fear. I am afraid of packs, prides, even gaggles of people. I walk by and immediately my spirit starts to tremble. I believe they can see right through me. And I can never comprehend if they are stares of hatred, admiration, or confusion. Naturally, I assume it is hatred. Now, here is the interesting part- I love people. They excite me! As much as crowds invoke utter terror in me, they fuel me. I enjoy giving speeches, dancing, and heated conversations. I love to entertain.

With all this confusion in my head, I have come to the realization that I may be different, but not so different to stop me from living. Everyone’s confused; everyone is trying to pursue their dreams. But let’s admit some have it harder than others. Onward and upward, this journey to success and happiness!