My Conversation With God

If we can love then surely it be in us to un-love. If we so accurately choose pain then we surely have the power to choose fortune. We become our thoughts, the pain attaches to our spirits and soon after our auras are dimmed and tarnished.

 

I Decide. I decide to think of the apple delicious, it is thus delicious – and to him or her not so much. Equally I shall decide pain of the past to be triumphant. I am no longer there, it is not my present, but indeed was it a gift.

 

~Dear Sir, why do you hurt?

I hurt because the heart wants what it wants.

Dear Sir, do you think you are worthless?

No.

Dear Sir, then I ask you why do you hurt?

I hurt because I want to be loved.

Dear Sir, is there no one that loves you at all?

Yes there is, but I want to be loved by a lover.

Dear Sir, your lover already loves you as you love them.

OK, but where are they?

Dear Sir, they are searching for you as you seek them. But do not seek them in Brothels and with Thieves. Wait for them where they patiently await you – your heart.~

As I Grow Old

To feel imperfection is to be alive. I am faulted. Each day I see a new wrinkle. I trace the receding nature of my hair. I experience the click clack of my knees. I am no longer a child. I see the elderly and do not laugh, I wonder…Who were they then? At what age did sickness and health meet?

I watched (which felt like forever) an elderly man and woman walk
hand-in-hand down the sidewalk. Their pace was painstakingly slow yet unbearable beautiful. Imagine just imagine, once upon a time they ran, ran down sidewalks and skipped across streets – a speed as a child I envied to reach. Long legs. Reassured direction. Knowledge of symbols on poles. No parents.

I envied the older. Now I envy the old. Every tinge I feel, I think to myself this is it. Every night from work before I place my head, I stretch my back. The labor of the day has stiffened its length. In between shifts I stop at the mirror and stare, one day it will not be toothpaste but Poligrip.

This may sound like Hell. I call it beautiful madness. Some wish for cars and mansions, I yearn to grow old. I hope to wake and sit at the edge of the bed to catch my breath. I got up too fast. My heart is racing. I’m sweating like hell! I wish to walk up flights of stairs and stop on the third step as I hold up the line. I’ll smirk at their impatience. I wish to sit in parks all day, barely moving, as the kids ask if I’m alive. I am, just admiring the landscape. I want to go to Church with sunglasses as I nod in and out of sleep – an hour is just too damn long!

I wish for life in my staggered breath. I wish for patience in my “hard a hearing” ears. I wish for wisdom in my speech. I wish for grandchildren that take delight in me telling the same story over and over.

I think today I’ll walk a little slower. Maybe I’ll name my wrinkles. And instead of calling myself faulted and aged, I’ll say congratulations you made it another day.

I Use to Pick Up the Pieces. Now I Lay Them Down

I am known to play on all edges of life except the one of love. I have always been so careful in this matter. For I guess I knew my love was stubborn, that I do not forget easily. That within an instant passion could rise and remind me of what was or what could have been. I use to pick up the pieces. Now I lay them down. I spread them on construction paper and piece together a story for onlookers. Read and learn. Taste and feel. This is my story, this is your story, this is our story.

 I hang yarn with shards of glass to dangle from the ceiling

I give freedom to mice to roam drawers of darkness

The keyhole is jammed with blistered candy

The TV is a loop of memories to come

Barbwire is the bed frame that foundations a sea of hot blankets

As the door closes it opens, hinges do not live here

Ghosts do not dwell

Pain cries to his mother, Love

Love cries to her father, Time

Time cries to his God, Time

There are no numbers, there are no hands

There is only

Within the skeleton hangs closets; pretty and colorful but made of material less than human.

Affection Affection Affection

—————–

There is immense symbolism in this video and her words are powerful and true. Sometimes we lose ourselves in the pursuit of loving another when we should be finding ourselves and them – mutually and lovingly.

Wrecking Ball
We clawed, we chained, our hearts in vain
We jumped, never asking why
We kissed, I fell under your spell
A love no one could deny

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I put you high up in the sky
And now, you’re not coming down
It slowly turned, you let me burn
And now, we’re ashes on the ground

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you
I can’t live a lie, running for my life
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me

I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
And instead of using force
I guess I should’ve let you win
I never meant to start a war
I just wanted you to let me in
I guess I should’ve let you win

Don’t you ever say I just walked away
I will always want you

I came in like a wrecking ball
I never hit so hard in love
All I wanted was to break your walls
All you ever did was break me
I came in like a wrecking ball
Yeah, I just closed my eyes and swung
Left me crashing in a blazing fall
All you ever did was break me
Yeah you, you wreck me
Yeah you, you wreck me

No Thoughts, No words, Just Wonderment.

 

There is something about sitting down and opening your eyes. Not just any ole type of open, but allowing the world to seep in. No thoughts, No words, Just wonderment.  How…HOW do I pass all this magic every day?

I have an immediate need for gratification, what can I say I’m a New Yorker! I want everything now and I want it fast!  I have a need to control time for I was led to believe it is against me.  I am 23 years old and I am not the President of the world or acquired my first platinum album – I am behind, I’m going to die any day now for age has caught me by the neck! I should be a millionaire by now, I should be coupled up and making moves towards a house and marriage. The thoughts were driving me insane. And then to top it off everyone was telling me that I should be a lawyer, a doctor, a politician, a professor, a this, a that. After a while it takes a toll on you. Am I wasting my intelligence? Am I choosing the right career? Should I have a significant other by now?  No wonder I have an immediate gratification “complex.” How the heck do you expect me to decide where I want to live, who I want to be, how much money I want to make, where I want to get married and how I want to impact the world at 17 years old?! I did not even know who I was!! And now I’m 23 and I still do not know who I am.

AND that is ok— the first step.

It is ok if I do not know what I want to be. It is ok if I do not have a significant other. It is ok if I do not know where I want to live or exactly how I want to impact the world. Did you know at 23? All I know is that I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved. I want to laugh, eat, and dance! Oh boy do I love to dance. I want to sing with my brothers, dance with my mother, and lie next to my father and dream!

 I have taken a vow to slow down – the second step.

The days pass us by so fast because we walk inside our heads.  I dare you to walk across the parking lot open your eyes and look at the trees; listen to nature’s instruments. Make a cup of coffee and just take in the scent and look at the swirling colors in the mug – let life fill you with its joy – the third step. When I do this my heart rate de-accelerates, my paining thoughts are diminished (almost non-existent), my body becomes calm, and my spirit swirls. Suddenly and miraculously I realize I have all the time in the world, that where I am now is where I am meant to be. Time is an ally. The man/woman that cut me off is not important. Life is beautiful.