I was told I was free to choose. I was raised to believe that dreaming was infinite, but somewhere down the line the story changed. Instead, I was forced to conform. Instead, I was told not to speak of my dreams. Instead, I was clothed with half-truths or no truths. Perhaps, I do not understand. Perhaps, I heard wrong. Now, I am fed up. Now, I am shamelessly confused. Now, I do not know if reality is a dream and if my dreams are anything at all. I would love to say that I am chasing my dreams, but sometimes I do not even know if am capable of dreaming.
The dream that we have, is it even our dream? Or is it a dream we were told to dream, a supposed happiness that we should seek. Happiness, what is this happiness? Can anyone define it? Can anyone honestly tell me they are happy and if you can, where do you find it? Are you able to buy it? Are there different types? Do the poor have less of a chance at being happy? Does the middle class have less money to afford happiness than the rich? Where is your happy place?
Somedays I am sure of what I want from life. Somedays I am not even sure I am alive. Somedays I cannot find myself, not even in mirrors – I cast no reflection. I alter between certainty and vagueness. I alter between form and shapelessness. I envision a great tomorrow then I envision mass destruction. Love lays her head next to mine only moments later as I flip the pillow I find a coldness that reaches bone.
I imagine that which is cold was once warm. I imagine it only takes a kind word to change the world. I imagine if I change one cold heart then I have changed the world. I do not fight the coldness, I embrace it. I do not argue with the coldness, I listen. I do not spit at the coldness, I offer it homage and food.
With each spoonful of concern the cold blushes. With each smell of warm smile the cold begins to release its rigid movement. With each sip of hot love the cold glimmers of sparkling memories heart-filled.
And there I find it. And there I feel complete. And there I see myself. And there I exist. I find my Happiness In Blushes.